I can't count the people that have told me slow down, you think too much, and I can't count the times I tried to justify myself; well, game over, I publicly admit it: I'm neurotic and paranoid.
My head is always spinning forsennatamente, looking for solutions to issues I can't solve, or even to problems I do not have yet.
Now here's the point: I do have a problem, unfortunately named after a person whose appetite for destruction runs still too close to my quest for peace. And, since the very notion of life seems to be inseparable from the punchline never forget to fear for the worst, I can't solve it on my own: on the contrary, things have come to a head during the past few days. A weekend that I prefer to remember only because of the films I watched during the breaks I took from moping alone on my bed, to be clear; so, now that Depression has ended, what's the next phase? Acceptance, sure. And Resolution, if I may add.
Quite a long time ago, someone told me how it feels to wake up in the morning and feel brand new. I tried to figure it in my mind, but nothing, no way - I have tricked myself so many times with that, only to find out that it is just the beginning of the next wrong start.
He mentioned raising your head, at first slowly and without conviction and then more and more boldly; he said it was like when you learn to swim, and you're not sure that you will manage to keep breathing, but then you do, and it feels as if something tore you up from and cleansed all the filth you kept inside. I didn't know the sensation - do I, after all? For sure, yesterday morning I thought I did, and it felt like an unexpected gift.
I mentioned Resolution, and indeed yesterday I took a lot of them. The point is that I'm desperately trying to find a bright side in my current situation, and when I say desperately I mean that really anything goes. So, let's think it over: what's the bright side of having my nerves threatened by someone who lives in my own house? Sure, spending more time outside. Not worrying about getting home on time, enjoying long walks in the city, with just my earphones or someone dear - priceless, now that the sun is starting to show. Besides, that will acquiesce that damn thing - I think they call it conscience - that warns me each time I think about food.
Walking madly and eating afterwards, two things that I love at the price of one: isn't this the perfect life?
Well, I guess that I'll have to consider studying, at some point. Hey, good one, how come I hadn't thought about it earlier? My Problem will make me a better student, just because I'll have a good reason to jump out of bed and go to the library instead of procrastinating at home with mellow music and breakfast in bed. Right, right, and if my grades will be higher than last semester's I'll send her a note on perfumed pink paper: thank you, Nuisance, for pushing me at my best; sincerely, now go and get lost for ever.
I won't lie: deep inside, I'm probably still the same old psycho. But if I survived the past weekend - and I did, although I still wonder how - I guess I made a step forward, at least a little one.
This should serve as a lesson for the future, although actually I know myself too well not to be sure that it won't. Still, let's keep it working, as long as it feels good. There's a huge chocolate muffin here beside me...oh, wait, there was.
Right.
Now, sleep.
(on air: The Raconteurs - Steady as she goes)
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